Monday, November 2, 2009
Every 6 Months
Tonight, my eyes are burning. Every 6 months my auto insurance renews, we watch general conference, and I have a major melt down. Today my 6 months renewed on my melt downs. Here's how it started:
Toss, turn, wake up ever two hours (or so). I can't sleep and I am worried: How big will I get? How will I get it out? How bad will it hurt? How long will I be sick?
When Jake wakes up this morning, I tell him I am depressed. I go over the reasons... and I think I get it out. He tells me to take my time this morning. I do. I drop off a movie we had rented and see two grumpy old men yell curse words at each other in the parking lot because they have road rage. Then on my 10 mile drive to work, I am cut off so many times I can't even count. A semi truck (with no trailer) won't let me over and I come this close to missing my exit. I am so mad. As a good citizen, I try my best to drive the speed limit. I am obeying the laws of the land as cars come flying around me and stare like I am some crazy person for going the speed limit. As I drive the last mile stretch to the office...I start to tear up. I miss home.
I hate it here. I hate the mad people. I hate the traffic. I hate the drivers. I hate the whether. And then gallons of tears come streaming down my face. My sun glasses begin to fog. (That's right, it was sunny this morning and I still had a melt down.) I make it to the office in pieces, up the stairs and straight to Jake I go. He could see my tears below my sunglasses.... And there he was with his arms stretched out to hug me. I sit on the floor behind the door, embarrassed by my actions and appearance.
I confesses (once again) that I hate it here, that I want to move back home. Home. Where ever that was. Colorado, Utah, Arizona.....I would even take New Mexico at this point. Just take me back to the Four Corners where the sun shines, the people, the traffic, and the drivers aren't as bad. I miss the Parmesan pretzels from the Durango Mall, Eagar Daze, the sky, the mountains in Provo....Just take me back.
I AM A MESS. I cry for about an hour.
The worst part is that I know Jake loves me enough to do everything and anything in his power to take me back home. But I won't let him. He has worked too hard to build our life here. And so it was. My bi-annual melt down.