Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Water Balloons To School Buses


Yesterday was a day that described me so perfectly. I had this horrible case of indecision. I couldn't even blog yesterday because I was so ill with this one choice I am having to make. I still am not 100% positive what my decision is (its about 90 vs 10) at this point. I'm having terrible time with it. So I just decided to blog about it. This morning I logged in and got this comment:

Ummm... you need to post again. ;)
August 3, 2010 9:40 AM

So here goes nothing.

Being any type of caregiver has been proven to be SO DIFFICULT. So difficult, in fact, that it is making me feel sick.

At Everett's 1 month visit the Dr. asked "how opposed are you to supplement feeding?"

I was kind-of shocked that he worded the sentence so sensitively because I was all for it. I had zero opposition in feeding my child formula. After all, he had only gained 10 ounces in 6 weeks and he was always starving. So I was sent home with some formula. That night when my water balloons were like the Sahara desert and my child was dying of thirst, we fixed him a bottle and he ate, and ate, and ate. He was so so so hungry and was Mr. happy pants with his (finally) full tummy.


Then the next morning all he wanted was to re-live his night before... never to have to work so hard for his food again.

I felt like I was doing the right thing by giving him another bottle. Out of curiosity I decided to see just how much my water balloons were holding. To say the least, I was like the middle school C team compared to the high school varsity. Poor Everett had been so thirsty and I was like the Dixie cup when he needed a two liter.

This is when I felt I was being the #1 mom by at least feeding my child.


All through out my pregnancy I had read that nursing your child was the absolute best thing for them. So that's what I did until I discovered he was running on empty. But then Mrs. indecision moved in.... and set up camp. Round and round we went: breast milk vs formula.

Knowledge is power...right? So I did all the research I could, and of course I want my baby to have natures best. So I decided I would pump out what I could and put it in a bottle for him. It worked until I couldn't keep up. Everett ended up getting formula most of the time. Within a few days his cheeks chunked right up and I was happy he was at least getting enough.

Then I was upset because my over sized milkers were broke. Why did I even have these thing anyways. They're like the school buses that don't work when other mom's have high performance little sports cars.

I was determined to get them fixed. But my mechanic (Everett) was not interested in these old, rusty, broke down school buses anymore..... but if he was to fix them, it would cost me. I was willing to pay the price. For an entire week, Everett and I worked on nursing again. Mr. Everett cried and cried and cried.

At this point I was curious if starving + a little breast milk was any better than a full tummy of formula.

Formula kicked Mrs. indecision out and all was well.... for a day.

Just like a bad habit, Mrs. Indecision weaseled her way back into my life. I didn't want to feel like the bad, lazy, selfish mom who couldn't feed her baby. So all of yesterday I spent researching how to make more milk, how to get my baby to nurse again, if formula was really all that bad, pros and cons....

When it came down to it, I had two choices. I could get a super pump and pump for 20 minutes every 2 hours around the clock, build up my milk supply, and bottle feed him (because he REFUSES to nurse).... or I could feed him formula.

I stood up for myself and made up my mind. I was going to feed Everett formula. I felt that I could give my baby more love and attention by feeding him formula instead of spending hours and hours hooked up to a machine.


I even called the hospital and talked with a lactation consultant. I told her that my baby has no interest in nursing and I am only pumping about 2 tablespoons every two hours. In the end, she mentioned that if I was happy bottle feeding him then I should just continue to do that.

It felt so good to have finally made my decision.

Then he pooped. It was green... with a little yellow and smelled like death. I'm devastated.


  1. Oh how I feel your stress and indecision! Neither one of my kiddos have latched on and each time I have gone the rounds...to pump or not to pump. It's awful the guilt and stress we create for ourselves! You are a FANTASTIC mom and there is absolutely nothing wrong with formula. All research and other opinions aside, you know what works best for you and your kiddo and that is all that matters!

  2. yay for you! don't feel bad about your decision for one second. you have to do what is best for you and your baby. breastmilk is good but being well nourished is better! don't let anybody or yourself make you feel guilty about formula. katie wouldn't nurse so i pumped every two hours for seven months. it was a tiny piece of hell. the day i decided that it would be just fine if she had formula was one of the best days of my life. and i've never regretted it since. and she seems just as smart/healthy/wonderful as my two breastmilk babies. so do what you gotta do. you're a good mom and you know it and Heavenly Father knows it and that's all that matters. that's my big, fat rant for the day!

  3. Hey, I won't be able to breast feed at all, and I'm sure my babies will be normal. At least I hope! :) Just by going through so much grief trying to decide what to do shows how good of a mama you are. Hang in there!

  4. Don't feel bad at all!! You will get over the smelly diapers. They get that way when they start eating solids anyway, so it is bound to happen. If Everett is happy, then it will help you be happy. You are doing a great job, and just the fact that you researched everything out shows how much you really do want the best for Everett! I think that you made the right decision also. Sometimes babies just don't do well with nursing. Formula has come such a long way. Kaden was on formula for 6 months. He is just fine. Good for you for trying everything you can to breast feed, but sometimes the best thing is to move on to option #2. Everett will be happier, and so will you!!

  5. I still feel guilty about having to give Avery formula. I was had an abundance of milk, but because I had to go to work when she was only 3 weeks old, we had to supplement, and then I had a hard time finding time at work to pump, and then I eventually dried up. So my point is, that it's normal to feel guilty about it. All the literature makes you feel like a horrible mother, but don't worry about it. You will find that formula makes your life heaven for some things though. Going grocery shopping, or shopping of any kind is so much easier. You can feed them in the car easier. Someone else can feed them for you. You can even get a babysitter! (Avery was 9 months old before we got to that though...) Just try to remember whenever those thoughts creep into your mind about what a terrible mother you are, that you made the best choice for you and your baby. :)

  6. I went through that too! I had the worst breast problems trying to nurse both times. I am soo happy that I used formula with both my kids. And, they are both wonderful, smart and healthy! It is hard when everyone around you has a milk factory or their babes latch on easily, but it's you that gets to make the decision to keep you happy and sane! I loved just whipping up a bottle! You just made the best choice for you two! At least you can say you tried!

  7. You are so cute and funny! I nursed Beckham since the day he was born and guess what?!?! He was nutrient deprived. So, I guess that breastmilk isn't always what it's supposed to be. You are a good mama, and I am sure that making this decision will give you peace, especially when you see that little guy get roley poley. He is SO CUTE!

  8. Sure, most sites will tell you that breast feeding is better, but I don't think any of t them would advocate starving your baby. Sometimes your body just doesn't produce as much milk. There is absolutely nothing that you can do about that. Sure you can try pumping every 20 minutes, but in reality it wont increase your milk supply that much. Let him be happy and full and you be happy and know that you are doing exactly what you should be, enjoying your baby! Don't second guess yourself, you already know what you need to do :-)

  9. The guilt comes from 2 places...30% you(totally understandable) and 70% how others opinions make you feel. All my kids were bottle fed and look at them now! TOTALLY HEALTHY! I wish my babies and I could have been better at it but we weren't and now it's all a distant memory. He'll grow and never hate you for the decision to make BOTH of you happy! I'm truely happy for the opportunity you have to me a mother...no better calling in all of the world and you will come to realise YOU know what is ultimately best for him. That's another gift from our Heavenly Father...discernment for you and your family! More power to ya lady. There's tons of support and tons of the opposite out there. Keep up the great work-Everett is a darling little man!!!!

  10. LoL LOL LOL LoL...This post is awesome.

    You are a great mom. it is better off that he eats rather than just starving your child lol. You tried and thats all that matters. He is happy and full now. Sometimes things dont work for some people. Try again with the next kid and he/she might like it more. you should not feel guilty at all.

    breast feed jake lol TOTALLY KIDDING

  11. Haha, LOOK AT ALL THESE COMMENTS!!! Doesn't that just warm your heart? And I'm SO glad you posted again! You are HILAR-ious! Seriously funny. I totally understand the in-decision. I went through the same thing. I cried and cried... then when my milk dried up I was thrilled. Hormones lady, hormones. Thats what Mr. Indecision is made of. For real. I'm excited to see you today :) And chunky cheeks Everett.