Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't write what's on my mind, but I can't help but let it all out tonight.
At 11:30 this morning Everett and I were walking down 148th Street. We were both still in our pajamas and I was barefoot. (Everett has a million nicknames, but the most recent in Laundry Maker because he goes through about 4 outfits a day... so I leave him in his pajamas as long as they are still clean. As for me, I see no point in wearing nice or uncomfortable clothes as long as no one cares... and I really don't think Everett cares.) If Everett is awake and it is nice outside, it means we are out there getting dirty.
So we were outside this morning and I put Everett in his walker. Whenever I put him in his walker he immediately walks from the back patio, around the house, through the front driveway and into the street. This morning I didn't even bother to put shoes on so we looked extra white-trashy playing in the road at 11:30 in our pajamas with no shoes. An old couple drove by really slowly and got a good look at us. I think the woman even clasped her hands and said a prayer for us. I am in need of those prayers.
Motherhood is so hard for me.
I am seriously giving my ALL when it comes to raising Everett and I just wish he would act like it. Sometimes I wish his actions were a direct reflection of how hard I try. I had read that making your baby's baby food will help them like more foods and have a better palate when they are older. Well that didn't work. I made Everett's baby food and he is so damn picky. It frustrates me to no end. It would be easy to feed my child healthy foods if he ate them! They say read to your baby. The only way I can read anything to him is if he's in the crib... and he whines the whole time. I really don't think he is benefiting from any of it. I had been warned don't hold your baby too much, so I didn't. I really tried not to hold him too much when he was little so he wouldn't get spoiled. But he follows me around everywhere and cries until I pick him up. I would understand this behavior if I ignored him all day or something, but I don't. We play together all day. I don't think independence can be forced, but maybe I am wrong. I have been trying for months to teach Everett how to wave or clap his hands (a milestone long overdue)...with no luck. He does wave his hands occasionally and the closest thing to clapping his hands is throwing blocks. Walking has been a huge challenge. He only walks in the walker or if you are holding both of his hands. If you let go of one hand he will fall to the ground and cry. He has only balanced on his own twice... both times he was completely occupied with something else and had no idea he was standing on his own. As soon as he realized that he was standing on his own, he quickly sat down.
Sometimes I wonder how a little baby can make me feel like such a failure. I feel like I shouldn't take so many of these things personal.... but it is just so dang hard to raise a strong-willed, stubborn, completely dependent, picky eater of a child. I just thought this would be a little easier... and I only hear that it gets worse before it gets better. I feel defeated.