Friday, May 13, 2011

Defeated

Dear Journal,

Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't write what's on my mind, but I can't help but let it all out tonight.

At 11:30 this morning Everett and I were walking down 148th Street. We were both still in our pajamas and I was barefoot. (Everett has a million nicknames, but the most recent in Laundry Maker because he goes through about 4 outfits a day... so I leave him in his pajamas as long as they are still clean. As for me, I see no point in wearing nice or uncomfortable clothes as long as no one cares... and I really don't think Everett cares.)  If Everett is awake and it is nice outside, it means we are out there getting dirty.

So we were outside this morning and I put Everett in his walker. Whenever I put him in his walker he immediately walks from the back patio, around the house, through the front driveway and into the street. This morning I didn't even bother to put shoes on so we looked extra white-trashy playing in the road at 11:30 in our pajamas with no shoes. An old couple drove by really slowly and got a good look at us. I think the woman even clasped her hands and said a prayer for us. I am in need of those prayers.

Motherhood is so hard for me.

I am seriously giving my ALL when it comes to raising Everett and I just wish he would act like it. Sometimes I wish his actions were a direct reflection of how hard I try. I had read that making your baby's baby food will help them like more foods and have a better palate when they are older. Well that didn't work. I made Everett's baby food and he is so damn picky. It frustrates me to no end. It would be easy to feed my child healthy foods if he ate them! They say read to your baby. The only way I can read anything to him is if he's in the crib... and he whines the whole time. I really don't think he is benefiting from any of it. I had been warned don't hold your baby too much, so I didn't. I really tried not to hold him too much when he was little so he wouldn't get spoiled. But he follows me around everywhere and cries until I pick him up. I would understand this behavior if I ignored him all day or something, but I don't. We play together all day. I don't think independence can be forced, but maybe I am wrong. I have been trying for months to teach Everett how to wave or clap his hands (a milestone long overdue)...with no luck. He does wave his hands occasionally and the closest thing to clapping his hands is throwing blocks. Walking has been a huge challenge. He only walks in the walker or if you are holding both of his hands. If you let go of one hand he will fall to the ground and cry. He has only balanced on his own twice... both times he was completely occupied with something else and had no idea he was standing on his own. As soon as he realized that he was standing on his own, he quickly sat down.



Sometimes I wonder how a little baby can make me feel like such a failure. I feel like I shouldn't take so many of these things personal.... but it is just so dang hard to raise a strong-willed, stubborn, completely dependent, picky eater of a child. I just thought this would be a little easier... and I only hear that it gets worse before it gets better. I feel defeated. 

~Tyrell

10 comments:

  1. Hang in there Tyrell. Motherhood is the hardest thing I have ever done in my whole entire life, but it is the most rewarding as well. My favorite part of your blog is when you said "damn picky" lol.. People always have advice and nobody wants to hear advice when they are feeling defeated. Someday when he is leaving for a mission or getting married or graduating from college, you'll have an "ahhha" moment and know "you've done well".

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  2. I guess I don't have any words of advice because I don't know how hard it is yet. I am sorry :( Keep doing what your doing, because I have seen you with him and your a good mom.

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  3. If we all just looked at what other babies are doing, i think we'd all be disappointed. I read most babies dont walk until after they are one- and i think he is just being cautious by sitting down when you try to stand him. I noticed Beany doing that too- he stood a lot better before he learned how to sit down on his own. We can't get him to stand at all. Cooper didnt walk forever because he was afraid to let go of things- we'd have to distract him with holding onto a balloon string to get him to walk and he was like 14 months old. Sawyer can't clap or throw things so i am thinking these "milestones" don't matter too much. My 'what to expect' book didnt have any of those things as "should be able to". Oh and Andy's cousin's baby couldn't crawl when we saw her last and she was 13 months old. I don't think he is too behind- I just think all babies are different! ...and I wish you didn't feel like a failure because you are doing all you can do!

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  4. Ahhh... motherhood. so hard, so happy, so frustrating, so worth it. hang in there. heavenly father wouldn't have sent you that darling little boy if he didn't KNOW that you could do it! Not to compare, because i don't believe in comparing babies, but none of my kids walked until after their first birthday and they all seem to be ok. gavin even lays in his bed at night begging for one more chapter! it sounds like you might need a little breather. call me, come over to this big chunk of land and let everett play outside with my huge crew. it will keep him entertained and you can sit on my cozy couch and browse my magazines. seriously. call me. come take a breather. it always helps. believe me.

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  5. Take a deep breath, and try not to stress too much :) MOST kids are picky. Zoe was always that way, so seriously, just feed him what he likes and try not to worry about it too much. I'd try introducing something new just occasionally, but know that their taste buds sometimes just take time to want other and new things. I felt like we had this SUPER limited menu that we would go through OVER AND OVER AND OVER.. and I always felt a little guilty about it, but that menu DOES expand with time. Zoe also didn't walk until like 14 or 15 months, and shes a smartie pants and runs without any problem. Every little babe just has their own pace, and even though its hard, just let him go at his pace. I wasn't much for reading books to the girls until recently because they were never interested in what I was saying, but now they are (at ages 3 and 4) and we are finally enjoying it together. I don't know if any of this helps... but I hope it helps to know that we all go through those worries. Half the time its just that the kiddo isn't interested yet, but he will be in time! :)

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  6. oh Tyrell I sooooo feel you. Everyone said "just wait for the terrible two's" ha, I'd take a two year old over a one year old any day. Let me know if you need a break and I'll totally watch Everett for you! Or, just come over and play with us!

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  7. If you were here I would give you a big hug. I don't have all the answers, and I don't pretend to. What I do know is you are amazing, you are talented, and sometimes when we think WE should be the one raising our kids, they are the ones that raise us. They teach us patience, and acceptance and humility. Now, take a deep breath and tell yourself (over and over if you have to) that you are a good mom. Anytime you start to feel defeated, take a minute to remind yourself of this. You are doing the best that you can, and that is all that you can do. Then, remind yourself that you have an 11 month old! and sometimes our expectations are MUCH to high. There is such a HUGE range for all the milestones that you are talking about. It's no big deal that he isn't walking (Addy isn't either), it's totally normal that he won't sit still when you read to him (Addy doesn't either), it's no big deal that he isn't waving (Addy doesn't either), it's no big deal that he isn't clapping (my friend's 16 month old JUST started this; it just wasn't his thing). The picky eating thing is obnoxious as all hell, but the sooner you can let go of it and realize the kid won't go hungry, the better off you'll be (says the mom who stressed about it for a year and finally learned there wasn't a darn tootin thing I could do about it). You are doing amazing and after all is said and done, Everett will be too because he came from YOU!

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  8. My heart goes out to you! I know how you feel. Whenever I feel this way I take some advice from my Aunt who raised 12 great kids (most of them boys) At her funeral her son shared this story... The boys were digging up the yard and destroying the grass and a neighbor said, "How can you let your kids do that to your lawn?" She replied, "Because I'm raising boys, not grass." I think you're doing a wonderful job raising a boy, not grass. or furniture or a manikin that looks perfect all the time... I have to remind myself of that often.
    As for the walking thing.... we bribed Jaxson with chocolate. Yep, I sat on one end of the room and Steve on the other and we threw a candy bar back and forth and he had to walk to us to get a bite. I think he still turned out okay. :)

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  9. I'm going to come at this one from a TOTALLY different angle than everyone else did... I needed help after (and before) kids. I tried everything I could think of to help myself and got to the point where I was ready to give up. Maybe you should look into anti-depressants. The weather in Seattle is awful, you're alone most of the day, you're exhausted, you just don't feel like you anymore. You feel like a failure more days than not... Maybe even just something to help tied you over until you can start feeling like yourself again. It really helped me. Good Luck hun. You're doing amazing :-D

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  10. lol at Jamie ;) I feel that way too when I am in Washington and with two kids, by myself! Motherhood is a struggle, but that is what we are blessed with. Our kids. Their hearts. Those milestones. Be happy he isnt walking yet, once he does he will be into EVERYTHING! and never want to sit in the shopping cart, then you're in trouble! You are a wonderful Mother, remember that every day you are learning something new! You and Everett will be just fine, and then baby #2 comes along.

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