Earlier this week, I cried for hours. I even cried myself to sleep.
I had checked out a book from the library on parenting. I wanted Jake and I to read it together because I hate trying to tell Jake how to do something that I'm not even sure how to do myself. But I couldn't wait and I started reading the book by myself. About 30 pages in I was feeling a knot in my chest tighten and I couldn't read anymore. A few minutes later Jake came into the room and asked what I was up to. I started telling him about the book and then I started crying. Even sobbing.
I understand the magnitude of parenting. I get it... and that's why it is so hard for me.
I know that all people and parents make mistakes and that children don't normally remember much before the age of 3, but I wanted to make sure that I was doing- or at least trying to do- things right to begin with. Because, you know, it's hard to teach an old dog new tricks. I wanted to start parenting the right way (for my family) from the beginning.
I was sobbing because I knew it was going to be hard- harder than it already is- to be a parent. I didn't want to make the same mistakes that my parents did. I am not saying that my parents are or were bad parents, I am just saying that we learn from history... and some history just isn't worth repeating.
It's like learning to speak Spanish when you grew up speaking English.
I was blog hopping today and found my way over to Single Dad Laughing. I spent several hours reading post after though provoking post and I was blown away. A few of my friends have mentioned the blog before but today was the first time that I made the effort to find it. I have only read a few posts but they caused a great shift inside of me.
SDL and I don't see eye to eye on every issue, but he spoke straight to my heart on an issue or two that I can't stop thinking about. I'm pretty sure I read some things that will change me forever.
There is so much to read, so much to digest, and so many things to ponder about but I know that one thing is for sure; I want to be a good parent. I need to be a good parent.
I don't want to be the parent that tells you how their not-yet-one-year-old CAN'T walk and CAN'T clap his hands and CAN'T wave 'good bye' and how naughty he can sometimes be... I want to be the parent that tells you how much I adore my son. How sweet and smart and lovable he is. The parent that says "I think he is the cutest baby in the whole entire world." and tells you how much I love all 23 pounds of his pure sweetness.... and that I do, I love and adore Everett to no end.
I am not taking back anything that I said the other day because I meant every word of that post. It was me. 100% me and my emotions... but let's just say Everett is 8 years old and reads how miserable he was making me and how I think he is stubborn and whatever else I said. That's not what I want!
I thank all of you out there who pointed out that I was probably just a little stressed out and needed a break. That maybe I was my own problem (and that I want to control everything and everyone and how I shouldn't compare)... not that Everett was my problem.