It was right around dinnertime when Everett had another one of his episodes. I looked at Jake (who was cooking dinner) and said... "Yep, he's my child."
Jake says, "What, he's bipolar?"
We both laughed... but it's true. I have the most absurd 'mood-swings'.
(I'm not really bipolar, we just joke that I am. And I apologize if anyone is bipolar. I'm not trying to make light of such a serious thing).
I don't even know if you can call them mood-swings, but sometimes I'm just weird. I feel like I feel really happy and really agitated everyday. It's like I can't make up my mind on how I want to feel.
There are two things that I think are making me feel this way right now.
The lesser of the two: Our house. Every single day I LOVE that we are fixing up our house and I HATE that we are fixing up our house. It's crazy exciting and horribly stressful. But we all already knew that.
The greater of the two: Family planning. I could pull every hair out of my head and it still wouldn't be as painful as family planning. I lose more sleep over this 'decision' than anything else. Wait, add up every single decision I've ever had to make and times it by a
Here is how I HONESTLY feel. I'm completely in love and content with our little family of three. I LOVE the three of us.
But I know that I would always question my decision to not have anymore children. Plus, I'd love for Everett to have a sibling. But that's not a very good reason to have another child. With every passing month I just get more and more sad that if Everett doesn't 'get' a sibling... they will be just one more month apart in age and they will like each other that much less. But who's to say that Everett will even like to have a brother or sister somewhat close in age to him? And what if it is a sister... then they for sure won't play together... and then what's the point in having a sibling for him if they won't even like each other. (p.s. I know that I'm being ridiculous. I know several brother/sister combo's that have great relationships despite their age gap).
And that's the other thing. I did a little research on sibling rivalry. According to research, if the oldest child is between the ages of 18 months and 3 years, it's likely the child will be a little resentful of the new baby. Also, according to research, age only plays a small role in whether or not your children will be friends or just siblings. It has more to do with their temperaments and interests... and less with their age.
Everyone tells me that I'm over-thinking it.
Maybe I am... but it's not like buying a new pair of jeans and then taking them back to the store because they don't fit. Or rearranging your living room just to see if you like the new layout. It's a lot bigger than that. A lot more permanent.
Just for the record, I do want another child (or two) but I'm completely terrified to
1. be pregnant again
2. have a newborn again
3. have more than one child
which is why I keep making excuses on why I am content being a family of three.
And if I can just clear the air, we've been trying (and not trying) to create a little sibling for Everett for almost a year now. If you've ever been pregnant (or tried to become pregnant) you know that it's a huge miracle when everything works just right for the next 9+ months until a healthy baby is born. It's amazing that there are so many people in the world, if you think about it.
But here's where my crazy 'bipolar-ness' comes in. I'll convince myself (and Jake) that we should have another child... and then a few months go by after a lot of calculating, wishing, hoping, praying, dreaming, counting... and then nothing happens. I get sad and frustrated and question a lot of things (like, is now even a good time to have another child...) and then I convince myself (and Jake) that we should wait (mostly because I'm scared (of said reasons) and because it's too emotional for me to handle). And then people ask me "when are you going to have another baby?" and I almost always say "never" just because I don't know what else to say. And, like I said earlier, it's not like it's entirely up to me anyways. (And I know that people are just curious or just making conversation). So then I'm feeling defeated and a little frustrated that it took such great effort to decide to start trying again and then nothing happens... so I throw in the towel completely and sign up for more half marathons to run just so I'll have a real excuse to not try for a baby. And then I regret it.
It doesn't make any sense.
I drive myself crazy. I'm content one minute being a family of three forever, and then I think about how I'm just making the gap between my kid(s) wider and wider with every passing month, convince myself that we should give it another shot, get really happy and excited about the thought of another baby and think that this is the best choice, months pass, disappointment, lots of questioning and analyzing, accepting the outcome, being content again. Then the cycle starts all over again. Literally.
And sometimes (that entire paragraph above) happens in my head daily.
So, to recap.... choices and waiting make me crazy. Making choices with the house and about our family (and then waiting for them to happen) cause me much grief, pain, happiness, and excitement. All in one day. Everyday. Which is why I can't make up my mind on how I feel. Because I feel it all. All at the same time.