Saturday, February 4, 2012

All In One Day

Everett had one of those days. One of those days that we've all have. One of those days where you're completely happy and content and then two seconds later you're freaking out.

It was right around dinnertime when Everett had another one of his episodes. I looked at Jake (who was cooking dinner) and said... "Yep, he's my child."

Jake says, "What, he's bipolar?"

We both laughed... but it's true. I have the most absurd 'mood-swings'.
(I'm not really bipolar, we just joke that I am. And I apologize if anyone is bipolar. I'm not trying to make light of such a serious thing). 

I don't even know if you can call them mood-swings, but sometimes I'm just weird. I feel like I feel really happy and really agitated everyday. It's like I can't make up my mind on how I want to feel.

There are two things that I think are making me feel this way right now.

The lesser of the two: Our house. Every single day I LOVE that we are fixing up our house and I HATE that we are fixing up our house. It's crazy exciting and horribly stressful. But we all already knew that.

The greater of the two: Family planning. I could pull every hair out of my head and it still wouldn't be as painful as family planning. I lose more sleep over this 'decision' than anything else. Wait, add up every single decision I've ever had to make and times it by a million billion, and it still doesn't even add up to how crazy family planning makes me. By family planning, I mean having children. Do we have more? How many more? How far apart should they be? etc etc etc. And you know the worst part... it's not even entirely up to me. Or even Jake and I for that matter. Ahhhhh. I'm such a mess.

Here is how I HONESTLY feel. I'm completely in love and content with our little family of three. I LOVE the three of us.

But I know that I would always question my decision to not have anymore children. Plus, I'd love for Everett to have a sibling. But that's not a very good reason to have another child. With every passing month I just get more and more sad that if Everett doesn't 'get' a sibling... they will be just one more month apart in age and they will like each other that much less. But who's to say that Everett will even like to have a brother or sister somewhat close in age to him? And what if it is a sister... then they for sure won't play together... and then what's the point in having a sibling for him if they won't even like each other. (p.s. I know that I'm being ridiculous. I know several brother/sister combo's that have great relationships despite their age gap).

And that's the other thing. I did a little research on sibling rivalry. According to research, if the oldest child is between the ages of 18 months and 3 years, it's likely the child will be a little resentful of the new baby. Also, according to research, age only plays a small role in whether or not your children will be friends or just siblings. It has more to do with their temperaments and interests... and less with their age.

Everyone tells me that I'm over-thinking it.

Maybe I am... but it's not like buying a new pair of jeans and then taking them back to the store because they don't fit. Or rearranging your living room just to see if you like the new layout. It's a lot bigger than that. A lot more permanent.

Just for the record, I do want another child (or two) but I'm completely terrified to
1. be pregnant again
2. have a newborn again
3. have more than one child
which is why I keep making excuses on why I am content being a family of three.

And if I can just clear the air, we've been trying (and not trying) to create a little sibling for Everett for almost a year now. If you've ever been pregnant (or tried to become pregnant) you know that it's a huge miracle when everything works just right for the next 9+ months until a healthy baby is born. It's amazing that there are so many people in the world, if you think about it.

But here's where my crazy 'bipolar-ness' comes in. I'll convince myself (and Jake) that we should have another child... and then a few months go by after a lot of calculating, wishing, hoping, praying, dreaming, counting... and then nothing happens. I get sad and frustrated and question a lot of things (like, is now even a good time to have another child...) and then I convince myself (and Jake) that we should wait (mostly because I'm scared (of said reasons) and because it's too emotional for me to handle). And then people ask me "when are you going to have another baby?" and I almost always say "never" just because I don't know what else to say. And, like I said earlier, it's not like it's entirely up to me anyways. (And I know that people are just curious or just making conversation). So then I'm feeling defeated and a little frustrated that it took such great effort to decide to start trying again and then nothing happens... so I throw in the towel completely and sign up for more half marathons to run just so I'll have a real excuse to not try for a baby. And then I regret it.

It doesn't make any sense.

I drive myself crazy. I'm content one minute being a family of three forever, and then I think about how I'm just making the gap between my kid(s) wider and wider with every passing month, convince myself that we should give it another shot, get really happy and excited about the thought of another baby and think that this is the best choice, months pass, disappointment, lots of questioning and analyzing, accepting the outcome, being content again. Then the cycle starts all over again. Literally.

And sometimes (that entire paragraph above) happens in my head daily.

So, to recap.... choices and waiting make me crazy. Making choices with the house and about our family (and then waiting for them to happen) cause me much grief, pain, happiness, and excitement. All in one day. Everyday. Which is why I can't make up my mind on how I feel. Because I feel it all. All at the same time.


  1. Kensie is 6... Blake is 17 months... They absolutely adore each other. Kensie was super excited to get a sibling, she's old enough to help out and make sure she doesn't eat grass/bugs/lint/anything she can get her hands on.... There's no jealousy, there's no competition for attention. And there is no way I could have handled having them any closer together. And there is no way I could handle more than the 2 I have. Some people can do it and it blows my mind. But not me, and that's ok. Everett isn't going to like a sibling any differently depending on when it comes (...does that make sense?) because thats all he is going to know. And it'll be ok....

    And you sound more OCD like me than bipolar... just saying :-)

  2. Here's what I know:

    -I was close with my brother and we are 2 1/2 years apart. We were close enough to play together when our parents made us go new places so I appreciated that. I feel like if we were 5 or 6 years apart we wouldn't have the same friends when we were young.

    -I have 2 good friends that are literally best friends with their siblings and they are 3 years apart, and 5 years apart

    -Andy and his brother aren't THAT close, but it is due to their personalities and interests being completely different, not age. I think it doesn't matter too much.

    -People keep telling me "you think you have it hard until you have 2 kids and it is more than twice the work of one" and this really scares me too!

    -A friend of mine had a really hard time getting pregnant, they tried for a long time until she went to a obgyn and they ultrasounded her daily to see when she ovulated...turns out she is a week later than "most" people (on the month schedule) and once she found that out they got pregnant both times the first month they tried. I don't know how much personal "reasearch" you've done, but maybe you have something similar?

    -That being said, I think we are going for #2 September-ish so they should be EXACTLY 3 years apart...we might have a birthday issue even.

    Not sure if that helps at all :/ I probably made it more confusing lol

  3. Tyrell I love you and your posts. Serioulsy this made me cry because I am the exact same way. I have no advice at all, but I just wanted to say thank you for sharing this and helping me know I'm not the only one who thinks like this! Good luck!

  4. Tyrell I love you and your posts. Serioulsy this made me cry because I am the exact same way. I have no advice at all, but I just wanted to say thank you for sharing this and helping me know I'm not the only one who thinks like this! Good luck!

  5. Tyrell I love you and your posts. Serioulsy this made me cry because I am the exact same way. I have no advice at all, but I just wanted to say thank you for sharing this and helping me know I'm not the only one who thinks like this! Good luck!

  6. Tyrell, every mother questions herself. (It really helps to read blogs like yours that are honest about it!) Pray for peace. You have a lot going on in your life right now, (a home remodel, Everett keeping you very busy AND trying to add to your family - or not) sometimes we have to be still so we can hear God. Maybe it's not about what you should do but about what you should not worry about. He has a plan for you, trust in it.

    Side note: Your second child is MUCH MUCH easier! I promise!

  7. I think most of us women can relate a bit, even if we don't talk about it. I mean, I know I have 3 kids and all already, but as soon as one is born I already start stressing about the next one. Which I KNOW is totally crazy, but I'm always nervous about when we are supposed to have another one. Then I decided, I'm trying to do the right thing. Period. Being healthy, and being happy are good desires. So waiting until you are ready is OK. Don't beat yourself up so much about it. If you have to convince yourself, then just relax and don't think about it for a while. IF and WHEN you decide its something you WANT and are looking forward to, it will all feel right. As far as it taking a while and being out of your hands, I know, its heartbreaking. It can shake you up like few things can. You will make it through :) And know you have lots of people who love you, care about you, don't judge, and want to support you through whatever difficulty you may be having. Love you!

  8. Oh Sweet Tyrell! I just love you and your adorable, honest, quirky, silly blog. It really is so fun to read! Good luck with all the decisions and thanks for opening your heart and mind to your readers:-). Miss you!