I feel like I should be relaying stories of our new life in AZ but the only thing that I can think about and concentrate on is myself.... my big, huge, giant self. I seriously almost die every time I look in the mirror. I look, examine my belly, and then feel like crying because I'm only 35% of the way there and I look like I should only have a few months left before I cradle a sweet baby in my arms. But the truth is, I still have 6 months before that happens.
I am beyond grateful that we will welcome another little one into our family, but I think back to just a few months ago when I actually looked ok in clothes, I could move comfortably, and I felt good and I just want those days back. Really bad. But if I suddenly wasn't expecting anymore, it would be so devastating and the only thing I would wish for was to be pregnant again.
I think I would be completely fine if I were 20+ weeks because that's exactly how far along I look and feel. I'm just so concerned how I'm going to make it another 6 months when I already feel like a whale. I am more than certain that I will eventually get my body back, I'm not worried about how I look... it's how I feel and I feel terrible... and knowing that I'm just going to feel worse doesn't make it any better.
My belly isn't the only thing growing out of control either. I think the irrigation system getting pumped through my chest will be more than adequate to feed this child. I'm pretty sure that my neck, chest, and armpits are all the same things now... there's hardly any separation these days. It's like I have a built in chin rest now. Sometimes I feel like they might suffocate me when I'm swimming. I pretty much have to wear a turtleneck to keep my cantaloupes out of sight.
You know that deep down I'm happy that my body is working the way it's supposed to... but maybe it's just working a little too well and a little too fast. It's seriously so hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that I still have 6 full, entire months to go. I'm feeling a little anxious and overwhelmed at that thought. So much so that that's the only thing I think about... which in turn makes it go by slower and slower and I feel worse and worse.
Poor, poor me.