Saturday, April 13, 2013

NOW

I've had this little space on the internet for almost 4 years now. Long ago I decided that blogging was almost like therapy for me. I love this little piece of internet that is all mine where I often purge way more information than I should.

I've been working on filling out the thousand page application packet for Everett's speech therapy preschool. After filling out our names, birthdays, address, and phone number a billion times I came to a page that was asking when he met certain developmental milestones. I couldn't accurately remember off the top of my head so I looked back through my blog. I kept pretty good track through my blog.

I've already been feeling a little down that my body is currently in a state of destruction and that it isn't changing as fast as I want it to, I've also been weighed down with the amount of things I need to do (lol, have you ever had a new baby?!), plus we are house hunting, we've had family here for 12 days straight, and to top it off it seems like Everett is always sick... like he is now.

So looking back through my blog didn't necessarily help my current emotional state. I saw pictures of me at my physical prime and re-realizing how much work and time it will take to get that back made me a little... hmmm depressed.


I looked back at pictures of our last house and realized that we might not ever have a house that screams "Jake and Tyrell" like that one did ever again. House hunting always drains me. I haven't even decided on what town I want to live in but yet I feel disappointment and despair when something perfect in our price range doesn't pop up.


So I was already down in the dumps when I was looking back through my blog, but then I realized that I used to be funny, too. I was laughing so hard at some of my old posts and realized that I'm just a serious matter-of-fact person all of a sudden.

Well, it probably wasn't all of a sudden. It most likely started back in Sept 2011 when we bought a house, moved in, remodeled it, sold it, moved to AZ, suffered through a miserable pregnancy, had a baby, and then tried to get my 'life' back.  Somewhere in all of that I lost some spark. Some personality.

I want my spark back. How do you go through regular life events and forget how to enjoy it? I know I should give myself a little break because everything I just mentioned did, in fact, take a great deal of energy and time and Brecklyn is only a month old (and hormone changes are psycho)... but that's my personality. When I decide I want something I want it NOW.

Raising kids is hard work. I most definitely chose to have my babies and I love them dearly, but I'm struggling to keep my happiness and sanity when it come to playing with, entertaining, teaching, and disciplining Everett. How do you stay happy and confident when you have no idea if what you are doing is working or going to work!

I need to learn how to be a mom and not take everything my child does personally.

While I was looking back through my blog I realized how early my battle with motherhood started. I really enjoy being a mother and I love my children but I seem to struggle with some of the challenges more so than others. At least that hasn't changed.

I just hate that so many things are a guessing game, nothing in certain, you can't always have what you want, a lot of times you have to wait for things, etc. Perhaps I'm just stating the obvious but I want my body back NOW, I want to be able to afford the house we want NOW, I want Everett to be in preschool NOW. 

I guess these are just lessons of growing up. Not that I'm a child but you know what I mean.

I'm sure this didn't really make a whole lot of sense but it was a nice little therapy session for me. I feel better now, like always.

3 comments:

  1. For what it's worth, you look pretty dang fit to me! Also, I read this on internet forums all the time but it definitely applies here. "When I was younger, I couldn't wait until I grew up and knew everything. Now that I'm grown, I have learned that nobody really knows anything and we're all just winging it together." I think as long as we love our kids and tend to their basic needs, they'll turn out fine :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. You are totally normal Tyrell :) just so you know :) It is hard to adjust. Each of my 4 kids (can you believe that?) has put me through the same thing. Moving also puts me through that same thing. If its any consolation, eventually, things seem "normal" again. You will feel "normal" again. It all comes back, and honestly... in the end... you will like yourself even better then you did before. Just takes..*cough...time. I know, that's the hard part... but thats why it works :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. I feel the exact way Tyrell. We are so similar... when we want what we want, we want it now. I am 'TRYING' to accept those things I cannot change and accept those things I can change but just maybe at a later time then I want.

    SERIOUSLY if you ever need to VENT text or VENT call, i am your girl....

    ReplyDelete