Monday, March 17, 2014

Happy.

This post was going to be about me and running… 


There is a big field behind our housing development. Rumor has it that it was once an orange/orange tree farm. Then the houses were built and they stopped farming it.  


Then they sprayed the trees to kill them and then years later they uprooted the dead trees and bulldozed the whole thing. 

Bummer.

Anyways, there's this field behind our house with lots of dirt roads and it's PERFECT for running. It's like a dream.


I've been running a little lately. Before running on these dirt roads I was just doing the whole jogging-stroller-in-the-neighborhood scene. It was fine. And still is. But the fields are so much more peaceful, especially in the early morning. It's nice. I feel lucky. 


I would wear my watch sometimes just to see how far I was going and my pace. 

My pace was anywhere between 9-10 minutes per mile. 

Sometimes I think back to running all those half marathons. I remember feeling a little disappointed when I finished the half in Portland and my average pace was 8:45/mile. So I wore my watch the other morning to see how I compare these days. 

The first day I only went 2.38 miles and my pace was 8:44. I was really, really tired and I kept thinking how on earth did I ever run almost 11 miles farther at a faster pace??


But I'm totally cool with it. Really. A few days later I ran again and I managed to go a little farther and a little faster. 

Then this morning I did 3 miles at 8:12/mile. It made me really happy to know that I've still got it! I still don't know how I ever ran 10 more miles keeping a fast pace but maybe someday I'll do it again. Maybe. For now, I'm just happy. 


Happy with the sunshine. Happy that my body works and moves. 

When I was about to blog about me and running tonight, I looked up the blog posts that I never posted. There are a total of 7. They are from 2011 and 2012. I read through them and I realized that my life is so much different than it used to me. 

5 of the blog drafts are about me and my struggles with Everett and getting him to talk and my worries and parenting and literally just trying to figure myself out. I think my self esteem was much lower than it is now and I remember how hard it was to be raising a little boy that didn't say anything and how I was literally dying for some sunshine. 

Here is the first part of a draft from 2012:

I'm not sure what's wrong with me. It seems that I've lost all zest for life.

Not all zest, but a lot of zest. And some juice. I have several ideas as to what it could be, but they're the same things they've been for the last 1-5 years. 


Today is June 18th and it's 59 degrees and raining. It's dark outside and very depressing. By the 8th day in June, we had already exceeded the average rainfall for the month. 10 days later I'm sure we've beat the record... or at least come close. It's hard to wake up in the morning knowing that it's just going to be another dark, cold SUMMER day. I almost hate to open the blinds in the morning because I know I'll be disappointed when I see dark clouds and rain. It's hard for me to see pictures of friends and family in summer clothes talking about the summer things they've done... I get really jealous. Really jealous. 


***

Well, I can say that moving to AZ has helped a lot :)



And the fact that Everett is talking changes things. Life was really hard for me a few years ago. It's still hard now, just in different ways. But I have a different perspective, too. I am not perfect, my family is not perfect, AZ is not perfect, life in not perfect, but I am learning how to be happy. I still have my personal challenges and demons, but I'm much more real with myself and I have a lot more patience (especially with myself). I still freak out and have bad days and I still have nights when I wake up and don't ever fall back asleep and life is still hard, but it is good. 

Much better than it was :)

1 comment:

  1. I am so happy that you are much happier. We sure miss you guys though! I guess its time for a visit. I am starting to run and realizing how hard running really is... YIKES oh well.

    ReplyDelete