As I recount the last week… or last 7 months of my life... imagine that I am a glass ball that has just been dropped from a ten story window. That is the only way I can describe the feeling.
Last Tuesday I was 10 weeks pregnant. I had been sick and feeling awful and had actually wished (out loud) that this pregnancy would just "go away." I was really sick and I didn't actually wish for the pregnancy to go away but I really just wanted relief from the sickness that I was afraid I'd feel until the baby was born.
Unfortunately, that not-really-a-wish came true.
Thursday morning we all went to the ultrasound to see the baby.
That morning Jake had told Everett that we were going to see the doctor for mom. He asked why and Jake said "because Mom is going to have a baby." I will always remember Everett's reaction: "(gasp) Another one!!" It was so funny to me because it's not like I have babies all the time or we've ever talked to him about babies other than when we were expecting Breckie.
As soon as we started the ultrasound I knew immediately what we were looking at. My heart didn't sink, I wasn't upset, I didn't ask "why"… I simply was dropped out of that ten story window.
Everett cheerfully announcing "there's the baby!" was cute, but kind-of stung at the same time because there was not a heartbeat and the baby had stopped growing. There wasn't going to be a baby anymore.
The rest of the day was one of appointments and sadness but almost relief that soon I wouldn't be sick anymore. Jake took the day off work and we let the kids play at the mall and we went out to lunch.
I had three options to removing what was inside of me. Wait two weeks/see what happens, take a prescription that would cause my uterus to contract or go to the hospital for a d&c. The first option wasn't an option. I wasn't just going to wait two weeks. So I had the Dr. write the prescriptions but still considered the d&c.
Honestly, I just wanted to go to the hospital and get knocked out and leave when it was all done. But the soonest they could do it was Tuesday which was 4 days away. That just seemed like an eternity to keep being sick for something that wasn't even alive. So I went the prescription route knowing exactly what would happen if it worked.
Back in 2008 our very first pregnancy ended that way at 9 weeks. I knew what was going to happen and I was not looking forward to any of it. Essentially to go through labor pains without your prize at the end.
I guess, this time, my prize was to finally feel better.
Thursday afternoon I decided to share the news with Instagram. I couldn't just go through this silently, not ever sharing with friends that we were going to have a baby.
Not even two hours later I had friends on my doorstep to wrap me in their arms and to offer their love and support. Two of Jakes friends called and left messages. They were so genuine and sweet and to think that these grown men had so much love and sympathy inside of them to give and show made me want to burst into tears.
Thursday night I took the first dose of Cytotec. It only kind-of worked. I was cramping and bleeding but I wasn't passing any tissue like I knew I should be. Friday night I look the second and last dose with crossed fingers that it would work because I really didn't want to spend a day in the hospital at this point.
Saturday morning it all started coming out. It was not pleasant and I wouldn't wish for any woman to go through that.
Physically, Saturday was rough.
I had 4 more friends come throughout the day to bring me treats and offer their love and support. I feel like they were extending true, Christlike love and I'm so grateful for that.
I was still experiencing the free fall.
Sunday was fine. I was hardly bleeding and it seemed like I was done passing tissue. I even went to church. I still felt cramping and had to rest on the couch a few times throughout the day. Several friends sent texts asking how I was and I could only respond that I was doing great.
Monday I started to feel the pregnancy nausea again and I was cramping a lot. I hadn't slept very good even though I was exhausted… I was just too hot.
Jake was back to work and we needed groceries in a bad way, so I took the kids grocery shopping. I started cramping so bad and it hurt to walk and I just needed to get home. As I was pushing the cart through the parking lot I realized that I wasn't done passing a huge amount of tissue.
I practically tossed my kids and the groceries in the car and drove home. (Luckily we literally live across the street).
I had passed so much tissue on Saturday that I thought I was done (sorry, this is gross) so as I sat there, in my bathroom, I wasn't sure if I was passing more tissue (probably the placenta) or if my uterus had fallen out. I decided to pull it out and if it hurt than I'd call 911.
Luckily my body was just getting the rest of it out. Looking back, it makes so much more sense… the fever, bad cramps, nausea, headache… I guess I'm lucky it actually came out and that I didn't get an infection.
I start to feel grateful that I feel better and I start to look forward to July when Everett starts kindergarten and Breckie and I can hang out at the pool and enjoy having two beautiful kids, no pregnancy sickness. I am happy. At this point, the free fall is almost over.
Tuesday I had a followup ultrasound and appointment.
The ultrasound tech called in sick and I waited for over an hour without ever seeing the Dr. and started to think: I don't ever want to be pregnant again. I am done. I am closing this chapter of my life.
On the drive home I decide to get rid of all the baby stuff we've been keeping. We've started to sell it in the past but I just couldn't. We both keep feeling like someone is missing from our family and there is this uncertainty in my voice and thoughts every time I decide I only want two kids.
These feelings and thoughts are so exhausting and actually cause me so much grief. But I just need to move on… every time we try to grow our family it takes 6-8 months just to get the positive test and now, half of the time, it ends up a miscarriage.
It takes all of the fun and joy out of being pregnant… knowing, thinking that at any moment it could end. I was so sick of going back and forth between trying for a third child or calling it quits and just enjoying the two babies that we already have (which I do, always!).
I was so relieved when we finally got pregnant at the beginning of this year. It was an answer to so many prayers and the fact that it ended like this…
I was fine. Honestly, I was good. But last night, I, the glass ball, finally shattered. I hit the floor, and shattered.