Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Living on Faith and Hope and Prayers

Last week I announced our pregnancy via Instagram and Facebook. 

I wasn't ready to but I knew I needed to. I'm not really ready to write about it here, but I know I should. I know that if I don't just do it, I never will. 

In a few days I'll be 14 weeks and the 'scariest' part of pregnancy should be over. 

My entire life I just assumed I'd have 3 kids. I didn't really give any other number an option. I honestly don't know why but that's just what I've always thought. Even during Breckie's pregnancy I kept thinking I only have do to this one more time to get me through the especially hard times. 

A few months after she was born I was willing to start trying again just to get all of my kids here and the pregnancies over with and move on with my life. 

Getting to this point, 13 weeks pregnant with our third child, has been the most emotionally trying time in my entire life. I don't even know what to say or how to explain it, but I've been on the most extreme roller coaster of emotion for over the last two years. 

Of course I am SUPER happy to actually have conceived, but being pregnant (for me) is the worst. My "postpartum" depression comes while I am pregnant. I'm usually fine after delivery… it's just the entire time I'm baking the baby I am down in the dumps. 

And to make this the worst pregnancy in my history, I have literally been sick since two days BEFORE I took the pregnancy test. I'm being completely serious. I didn't even know it was possible to be sick so early, but believe me, it is and it's the worst thing ever. 

I have been SO sick for the last 2 1/2 months. So sick that I actually wished that it would all just go away... up until about 11 weeks. Jake and my Dad were both pretty disappointed in me when I told them that, but I have never been so sick and so depressed and so discouraged in my life. 

Being almost a third of the way through, I can barely see the light at the end of the tunnel. Barely, but it's better than before. I'm still sick and depressed but I know it will be over in 6 months. That's the only thing I have to hold onto. That, and the priesthood blessings Jake has given me. They have been beautiful blessings and have left us both in tears. 

Every time I have an appointment or an ultrasound I'm terrified there won't be a heartbeat, but I'm trying to have faith that everything will work out how it's supposed to. I was really disconnected to our last pregnancy and it ended in a miscarriage which has really messed me up. I just don't know how or what to feel this time. I'm afraid I'll feel like this until we're holding a living, breathing baby.

I hope this is the biggest trial of faith I'll have to endure. All I know it that this baby has to make it because I don't have anything left to give. This is our last chance.

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