Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Little Miracles

It seems like my whole life I wanted three kids. At first, I wanted three boys. Then, I changed my mind to two boys and a girl. In that order. 

Luckily, I didn't get my way. 

We had Everett and then were so happy to find out that Breckie was a girl. Pregnancy is hard for me and to have one boy and one girl was amazing... especially if we couldn't/didn't have any more. 

For a loooooong time I tried to convince myself that I only wanted two kids. After all, we were the "ideal" family. But I knew, deep down inside of me, that I wanted three. I literally could not move on with my life until we had Roxy. 

After we miscarried in Feb 2015, I didn't know if I could physically be pregnant again. It was rough. Depression was taking over my mind. Jake had to make the executive decision that if we didn't/couldn't/hadn't conceived by Jan 2016, then we would just have to move on with our lives. 

It had consumed me. 

I asked Jake to give me a priesthood blessing. Afterwards we both cried because he wanted (so badly) to say that I'd conceive or have a baby, but he just couldn't. That was hard because I took it as a sign that we'd never have any more kids. But it just meant right then. 

Eventually we did get pregnant. And then for months and months I wished we hadn't. 

I literally got sick two days before I even took the pregnancy test and stayed sick past 20 weeks. I know women who've had it way, WAY worse... but my depression was so bad that I actually wished to miscarry and I understood (or could sympathize with) women who choose abortion. It was that bad and my mind was that far gone. 

With Heaven's help, I made it through. 

Every ultrasound came with a wave of anxiety... not knowing if there was going to be a heartbeat or not. During the first ultrasound, she was measuring 6 days behind. At the second ultrasound, they couldn't find her feet. Truthfully. The way she was curled up and positioned... so we had to go back again. And then again when her placenta was too low. And again when we couldn't find her heartbeat. And then during that ultrasound (at 37 weeks) her head and belly were only measuring 33 weeks.

But we all know how the story ends... she was born healthy and without complications. That, in itself, is always a miracle. Except she was actually born with a heart murmur.... which, I know, isn't wildly uncommon. Both days we were in the hospital, two different pediatricians checked her out and told us about her heart murmur. 

I asked Jake to give her a blessing the night before her 3-day checkup. In the blessing he said that her heart murmur would be gone before her checkup in the morning. (That one took a lot of faith!) But it was gone by morning. 

Every baby and every pregnancy is full of miracles and wonder... these are just Roxy's. 

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