Saturday, December 31, 2016

We Really Need To Move

Saturday morning. 
Whiny baby. 
Boogers everywhere. 
I was feeling sick too. 
Vacation not vacation.
Lets go home. 


Effie offered to hold Roxy while we packed our 10 thousand things and loaded the van. 
And gosh dang-it it started to snow as we were driving home. 
The kids were sad we didn't stay all the days we had planned to but I couldn't take struggling to give our kids a Winter experience in a house that wasn't even ours and only one parent could play with them at a time because the other parent had to be with Roxy.
It was such a disappointment. 


I cried at least twice on the way home. 
And blew my nose countless times. 
Actually, I almost blew my nose through an entire roll of toilet paper.
And sneezed 90 times. 
Roxy and I were sick and miserable.
Roxy made everyone miserable.
Life with a baby is SO HARD. 


We need to move somewhere with seasons because we're not going to take road trips to places with those seasons anymore. 
I can't do it anymore. 
We just need to move. 


I felt lost as we were coming 'home' because it's not the place Jake or I imagine living long term. 
I was so desperate to get out of WA that I didn't even think about how long we'd live in the desert. 
I just wanted sun and blue sky and didn't even consider the idea that we'd be here forever. 
I was in a sinking ship and swam to the first island I saw.
I was in survival mode. 


Now I'm in a different type of survival mode. 
I LOVE the warm and the desert and the sun and the blue skies. 
But I also like trees and fall and spring and winter and snow and flowers and gardens and and and...


So why don't we just pack up and move. 
Well we can't. 
We have to wait for an office to open up in a place we want to live.
And it's not that easy.
And we've been on a waiting list for 6 months. 
We aren't even at the top of the list. 
It's going to take a long time.... and it might not even happen at all. 


It seems easier to live here and enjoy the good and great parts of living here and just travel when we need a break from the heat. 


But when the traveling and the destination are the death of me it's just not worth it. 
Especially with a baby. 
I feel trapped. 


And the desert is pretty. 
And there are really great parts about living here. 
And we love our life here.
And our house and neighbors and friends.
Jake and I have sacrificed too much to just leave. 
But the traveling and the disappointments are also too much. 


As we pulled into our neighborhood on New Years Eve, I unofficially vowed to not take a road trip in 2017.
We might spend our Summer in WA and just thinking about the flight and travel and entertainment and sleeping arrangements and the burden we'll be is already giving me anxiety... I'd almost rather just camp outside and shrivel up and die with the scorpions. 
But not really.


Life with a baby is hard. 
Life with a baby and two kids being poor in the desert where it's too hot for 6 months (in a row, no breaks, not even at night) is hard. 
Moving just seems easier... even though it's not. 
(curse words)

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