I think I'm experiencing pregnancy depression part 5.
Three weeks ago the Dr. said that he'd strip my membranes at 38 weeks. I've been counting down the days... like a child counts and re-counts money.... as if they were gold.
I can't even tell you how many times I have googled phrases like:
"chances of going into labor after stripping membranes"
"do you go into labor faster/sooner with the second pregnancy"
etc
I carry ALL of my weight in my stomach and chest. I always have and assume always will. So all 27 pounds that I've gained is right in front and it is making my life miserable. Not only that, but because I carry straight out front, it puts a lot of pressure on my back and hips and I feel like I have twice as much pain as the first pregnancy. I've been so big for so long that I just want this baby to come out. And I can't even begin to explain some of the looks and comments I get. I'll admit, I look like I'm carrying 8 pound twins... but still, do people really need to say "Oh my gosh did you SEE HER?!" as soon as they walk past me?
So I assumed something great would happen today. Because I was ready for it.
Nothing.
No change at all from last week. 80% effaced and dilated to a 1+. Does a 1+ even count?!
Dr. said my chances of going into labor are 20% or less. I almost cried but knew there was no point. Technically I still have two weeks until I'm even due. The med student said that your second pregnancy is usually just as long as your first and I wanted to tell her No. No it's not. But it probably will be.
I came home and experienced (for the first time in my life) emotional eating. Or at least the desire to. All I wanted was a can of frosting and a spoon.
I seriously feel like I've been pregnant for years. That picture up top is from our 6 year anniversary glider ride. I was pregnant then... that's actually when I surprise-told Jake when we hiked back to the waterfall later that day. He had no idea.
I was also pregnant waaaay back during this race.
I can only dream of running that far and fitting into those clothes again in my deepest-sleep-dreams.
Right now I wear tent-shirts and yoga pants and I get short of breath sitting on the couch!
I know that some day life will resemble something I'd like to call "normal" but for now I'm going to wallow in self pity for one more night. Possibly two or three. But most likely every day until I can bend over and tie my shoes again.