Octobers in the Desert are less than admirable. In fact, October does a pretty good job and crushing my soul and spoiling (almost) everything that is good in life.
I've had a tough go these last few months (and by 'few' I mean like 9-12).
We've been through a lot and there has been a fair amount of change in our lives that would cause anyone to skip a beat, but it's been a little more than that for me.
I went to see a therapist a few times and I've read a library full of books on various subjects relating to me.
I feel broken and there is something inside of me that needs fixing.
I recognize that we are still in the difficult years. And yes, I know, all of the years have their challenges but having three small kids who depend on you for EVERYTHING is pretty hard (at least for me). We are still on the brink on really 'making it', I miss real seasons and weather but don't have a choice to move, and I feel like at any moment I'm going to do or say something that is going to destroy my kids for life.
I have moderately severe anxiety and I have self-diagnosed myself with seasonal depression. As soon as it's nice outside ALL of my worries and problems go away. I literally don't care anymore and I'm fine. I'm fixed. I'm good.
Jake and I knew this in WA and thought AZ would be my answer to seasonal depression. Turns out trading 6 months of cold, overcast skies for 6 months of it's-too-hot your-going-to-die weather wasn't the answer. We went from one extreme to the other.
I can't stop wishing we wouldn't have gone to the other extreme and just went for the "regular" weather.
I tried my best to 'enjoy' October. The last month of a 6 month stretch of near 100 degrees. November is still warm but so much more bearable... and I know I will be too :)
We went on evening bike rides (sometimes to Sonic), played at parks when it wasn't toooooooo hot, got eaten alive by mosquitos every time we went outside, found a community garden, sat outside on the ONE cloudy afternoon, played in our dirt and thorn backyard, and Breckie drew that picture of her and I :)
The funny thing is that if I just learned how to live inside I'd be fine.
But I can't.
I just can't.
ALL of Jake is hoping and praying that when we move into our new house things will be better.
We're hoping to have a pool by next summer so we have the option to be outside during the summer. We'll be much closer to town and there will be a brand new elementary school right across the street.
We'll have a house again, projects to do, we'll have carpet!!! (our rental is tile only and it's like a slippery death trap) and life will be better.
(The elementary school will be right behind that row of houses.)
I KNOW life will be better (SO MUCH BETTER!!!) when we move into our own house again but there is still a part of me that feels guilty because I still want to move states.
I feel guilty because we have been so blessed and guided and life isn't bad. I just wish we had all of this in a place that wasn't so unlivable for 6 months stretches.
Jake reminds me constantly that things can still change but my (obviously rigid thinking mind) tells me moving into the new house ='s AZ for life.
I just can't believe/accept the idea that we'll live here FOR. EVER. so I know he's right. I know things can change in a few years from now but I want to see that plan. And then I'm overwhelmed with anxiety.
😳
It's November next week 🙌