I got my blood results back.
I am as healthy as a healthy person can be. All of my numbers are perfect and there is nothing wrong with my thyroid and I don't have diabetes or any other condition.
As my doctor was going over the results she said,
"you look like you're just waiting for a bomb to drop"
Because I was. There was something very clearly wrong with me and that test didn't give me any answers.
Then she went over the genetic testing. It was a very expensive test but it's where we got some answers.
But first, I must back up. I'll have to give a little personal and family history for this to mean as much as it does.
I have struggled with depression and anxiety all of my life. I literally can't ever remember a time when I wasn't anxious and I clearly remember the depression starting when I was about 8 year old. Mental illness runs deep in my family history. My dad struggled with my same struggles and so did his mom and her dad. My great grandfather ended his own life due to the struggles and a majority of my relatives on that side of the family deal with it as well.
I feel like I have tried and tried and tried to arrange and rearrange my life for optimum happiness and contentment. I do all the things that are suggested for health and happiness (eat healthy, exercise, sleep, go to church, serve others, etc). I have seen two different therapists and five different doctors just in the last 3 years. I've also read a million books on the subject of mental health.
The search for the right care is truly exhausting.
I have been on 3 different medications for various amounts of time. It's hard to know if something is working or not because life as a young family is anything but predictable or low stress. It's easy to justify a feeling or emotion on stressful family life.
My dad and I compared stories of medications when we had both come to the conclusion that it was time for us to start trying them (with lots of convincing and prodding from others). I remember him telling me some of the side effects he had. He told me that he had to stop taking them because he was having suicidal thoughts. He said the side effects far outweighed any positive aspect of the medication.
I had been taking an antidepressant for about 6 weeks when my Dad had his surgery. When we were cleaning out his house, I found the same medication (and same dosage) in his medicine cabinet that I was taking. So when mine ran out (and I DID NOT have time for another appointment to renew my meds) I just took the ones prescribed to my dad.
It's been a rollercoaster of emotions this year and I have no idea what's going on in my head.
About a month ago we were sitting at the dinner table after the kids had gotten up and I told Jake I just didn't want to live anymore. Not that I wanted to die, but I felt like the family would better off without me. I felt like I was weighing everyone down and that I was a burden to him.
I don't think he knew how to respond because he just said, "yeah, but you've always been depressed."
He didn't understand that this wasn't coming from an "I'm exhausted and need a break" or a "I had a bad day". I knew he didn't understand what I was saying. And I also knew he was tired of trying to "fix me" or make me happy. I don't blame him one bit.
Luckily my "thyroid symptoms" were bothersome enough that I googled a doctor. When I filled out the paperwork honestly and told her what was going on, she was extremely concerned. I told her of our family's long and widespread history of various mental illnesses she suggested I get my genetics tested. I told her that I was on an antidepressant but wasn't sure if it was working or not and she was even more interested in the genetic testing.
She said that it would give us results on how my body metabolized certain medications and it will take the guesswork out of finding the right medication.
***
When we had the results back and they suggested I was healthy, I was happy to be healthy but wondered if I was just a major hypochondriac (something my family ALWAYS accused me of being).
Then she got to the genetic test. She immediately said, "here are our answers"
Of the 10 genetic mutations, I was positive for FIVE.
The second page was the most revealing.
She suspected that I would test positive for the first two. When she saw I also tested positive for the third, she said, "your antidepressant is never going to work for you. In fact, it's making you more sick and your symptoms worse."
The last three lines "The DRD2 gene (THE ONE I TEST POSITIVE FOR) plays a critical role encoding proteins that help form dopamine receptors in the brain. A positive DRD2 variation can indirectly lead to an increased risk for depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).
SSRI medications (i.e. antidepressants MY MEDICATION) can significantly increase the psychological disorder associated with a DRD2 variation, including suicidal thoughts and suicide rick."
This pretty much explains everything.
I have the gene that has an increased risk of depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and OCD (all of which I have and my dad had) and an antidepressant makes it worse.
I have never been clinically diagnosed for OCD because it's not super awful and my panic attacks don't call for hospitalization... although my heart beats so fast and my chest hurts and tightens and it's hard to breathe... but my Dad went to the urgent care last year because he was having a panic attack but thought it was a heart attack.
This genetic test came a little too late to help my dad.
But hopefully it will set me on the right path and help my siblings. Switching medications isn't exactly a breeze. I have zero energy and my stomach constantly hurts but it's also exciting to think the new medications could work! The antidepressant I was taking was an SSRI and now I'm on an SNRI (I think that's what she said) because of how my body metabolizes the medications.
(Jake found me sleeping on a pile of blankets in Roxy's room)
I also have to take L-Methylfolate. It's something my body struggles to produce (which is the reason for the miscarriages and the trouble conceiving (so many answers!)) BUT if I take too much, it's a terrible thing for my body.
She called my test results a triple whammy.
I feel EXTREMELY, EXTREMELY grateful for my genetic test results and I hope magic happens. My next task, once I'm well, is to get Everett on the right track. I have do doubt he has the same genetic mutation.
For the last few years I have felt guilty for even having kids and passing on my genetic problems. But maybe with these test results we can help fix the problems before they get too big.
So that's where we're at. I would consider it great news!